Here is an awful attempt at Star Wars humor from the June 1983 issue of Playboy magazine. While the jokes all fall flat, and none of these 'plot ideas' are likely to make it into Episode VII, I do like the illustration and I couldn't help noticing that some of the faux episode titles for the prequels and sequels are arguably better than those selected for the actual prequels - "THE JEDI'S TRIUMPH", "WAR OF THE JEDIS", "VADER’S LAST ASSAULT"...
long, long ago, George Lucas took us to a galaxy far, far away— and some of us are wondering if we'll ever get back
BY DENNIS SNEE
(ILLUSTRATION BY KUNIO HAGK)
When George Lucas launched Star Wars in 1977, he also let it be known that that was just the first leg of a trip that might take us well into the Nineties. And sure enough, every three years since, this Tolkien of the silver screen has made another stop in his complex story—long enough to hook up with a few new characters, jettison others and load on some out-of-this-world box-office profits.
In 1980, he gave us The Empire Strikes Back. This summer, it’s Return of the Jedi, which, in Lucas’ convoluted saga, completes the second trilogy. It’s been a nice trip, but where, where will it end?
Finally, fans, there’s an answer to that question. In a daring raid on Lucasfilm headquarters, a handful of publishing commandos recently obtained the heavily guarded secret plans outlining some future Star Wars episodes, playboy is publishing those outlines in the belief that the public has a right to know. May The Force be with us.
EPISODE IX YODA GETS LUCKY
The loneliness of his existence as a Jedi master in the Dagobah system finally gets to Yoda, and he uses The Force to project himself to a singles bar in the Marina del Hey system. There he meets Sheila, beautiful legal secretary to the evil personal-injury attorneys Dewey, Gettum and Howe. Yoda scores with Sheila, who confesses a weakness for “older, shorter, greener men," but only a last-minute rescue by Luke Skywalker saves Yoda from a costly breach-of-promise suit.
EPISODE XII LANDO'S CHALLENGE
Following his heroic rescue of Han Solo from the clutches of Boba Fett in Return of the Jedi, Lando Calrissian returns to the Cloud City, where an envoy from the Bespin NAACP waits to question him about why there aren’t more
blacks in Star Wars. Lando pleads that he’s only an administrator and, anyway, Dartlh Vader’s costume is black. The NAACP agrees to end its investigation on the condition that Lando never be forced to ride in the back of the Millennium Falcon.
EPISODE III THE WOOKIE-DROID REBELLION
C-3PO, R2-D2 and Chewbacca join forces and formulate a list of demands constituting what they term a "nonhuman rights” charter, which, among other things, would allow R2 to stop communicating through beeps, whistles and toots and, instead, speak English with a Southern accent; give C-3PO the right to hit on unmarried vending machines; and provide Chewie with a rug-shampoo kit for hygiene.
EPISODE VII LEIA'S LIBERATION
Princess Leia attends a women’s conference on the pastel planet, Feth, and rallies female representatives from across the galaxy to take a larger role in government and business and to resist sexist bias wherever they find it. The conference is disrupted when imperial storm troopers burst in, leveling patronizing remarks at the women and wolf whistles at Leia; finally, Vader appears. He gels into a scratching, clawing, hair-pulling battle with the princess, which ends with Leia’s pulling ofT Vader’s breath mask. Behind the mask: a red-faced Phyllis Schlafly.
“Vader then claims to be Luke’s brother, aunt, grand-mother, dermatologist and bookie.”
EPISODE X THE JEDI'S TRIUMPH
During a lull in the galactic wars, Luke trades in his X-wing fighter for a TR-7 convertible that turns out to have a cracked engine block. Only with the help of consumer advocate Obi-Wan Horowitz does Luke win a suit to regain his X-wing, just in time for a big battle with the Empire.
EPISODE XIII THE EMPIRE GETS AUDITED
The Intergalactic Taxation Commission calls the Emperor and Vader in for an audit, asking them to explain, among other things:
1. Why they had no receipts for the 2000 lunches storm troopers ate while occupying the ice planet, Hoth;
2. Where they got the depreciation schedule they used in writing off repairs to the Death Star;
3. How come Vader takes a $3500 deduction for “business wardrobe” when the Empire furnishes him his uniform free.
One crucial deduction is upheld: child-care costs Vader claimed for Darth, Jr., who had to be taken care of while Darth was away destroying planets.
EPISODE VIII WAR OF THE JEDIS
After Yoda has his teaching credentials lifted for showing a student Jedi how to use The Force to beat the phone company on credit-card calls, Luke takes over at the Jedi academy.
His first decision: to move from the bog planet to another system—one where all men are called Harriet.
Yoda decides to reclaim his title and does so after defeating Luke in a spelling contest. To show their solidarity, Luke carries Yoda on his shoulders, singing, “He ain’t heavy; he’s my Jedi.”
EPISODE II A UNION IS DISSOLVED
The Wookie-Droid rebellion has been over for many years when Han Solo tells Chewbacca that he’s found a new Wookie to take Chewie’s place. Chewie files a palimony suit, claiming that Han had made “certain promises” during their time together.
Noted palimony lawyer Edward Bennett Kenobi takes Chewie’s case and succeeds in winning custody of the Millennium Falcon. But an appeals court overturns the ruling, saying that while Han and Chewie had been close companions, they had maintained separate laser pistols.
EPISODE XIV COLLISION ON JOMAMA
For the first time, rebel and imperial forces meet in a strictly verbal confrontation, after a group of pacifist scientists constructs a huge galactic magnet that sucks up all the weapons of both sides.
Reduced to a battle of words, Luke leads off for the rebels, calling Vader “a tired, sick old man who wears a dress on his days off.”
Vader responds, “Skywalker is the galaxy’s leading moron and his girlfriend is right out of Planet of the Apes.”
The insults quickly degenerate to the level of mother mentioning, and both sides race for their ships to retrieve their conventional, less brutal tools of war.
EPISODE XVII THE REBELS' SECRET TRICK
Luke and Han decide to take a break from the galactic fighting and join forces in opening a gift-and-novelty shop on the toy planet Whoopee below. A sneak attack by imperial forces leaves many innocent people on Whoopee dead, and Luke and Han appear to be captured, when Luke’s concealed joy buzzer and Han’s squirting flower render their assailants momentarily helpless, allowing the brave rebels to escape.
EPISODE XX VADER’S LAST ASSAULT
Luke has steadfastly refused to join the dark side of The Force, even after Vader tells him that he is Luke’s father. Vader now decides on a different tack and tells Luke that he is actually Luke’s sister. Luke will not relent, and Vader then claims to be Luke’s brother, aunt, grandmother, dermatologist and bookie. When Luke rebuffs all the claims, Vader says he was “just kidding” and insists on taking Luke to dinner.
[Source: Playboy Magazine, June 1983 P.95, 226. Copyright © 1983 Playboy. All rights reserved.]